Falling in Love with Iowa

A year and eight months ago if anyone were to tell me that I would fall in love with Iowa I probably would have slapped them and called them crazy. After leaving mountains and friends and my home for the last eight years in Colorado, I was positive that I would never come to really love my new home of corn fields, small town drama, and mosquito-infested summers in Iowa. I began to plan my escape plan: three more years of high school and then I would leave this crazy farm town and only come back when visiting my family!

The exchange of mountains for flat, a big city for a small one, and diversity for cookie-cutter, to say the least, wrecked my life. The first year of living here I experienced absolute culture shock! I hadn't moved across country borders, but I felt as if I was living in an entirely different culture.

I cannot quite pinpoint when exactly things began to change. All I know is that last Monday night driving to the local video rental, Family Video, and grabbing Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows with my sister and brother I suddenly realized how much I absolutely love this place!

First of all I am in love with the seasons here! Winter and fall being my favorite. Right now outside my window the world is blanketed in about four inches of snow. This past winter we've had about four blizzards! After each one my siblings and I pack up my PT Cruiser with sleds and coats and drive to our favorite hill where we spend hours figuring out every possible way to sled down a hill: backwards, frontwards, piled on top of each other, sitting, standing, rolling. It is an absolute blast!

Then there are all the beautiful people here. When I finally decided to open my eyes and quit complaining, I found myself surrounded by so many different people with stories and dreams. Meeting them has changed my life forever! One of my closest friends (I write about her a lot) lives only a block from my house, and I have so many crazy memories with her! I absolutely love staying up late talking in coffee shops or her car about Jesus and EVERYTHING else possible to talk about!
Then there are the girls I see everyday at school. They are so beautiful! I have learned so much about God from their compassion and stories! They make lunch my favorite part of my day.

I have also learned so much about worship and God's love! I love singing for hours with my friend Treye, who loves people so much and has the whole house laughing whenever he comes over; or having dance parties and hours of prayer on Monday nights with Morgan at IHOPE and realizing what it means to be free!

I love how Iowa has brought my family so close! With mom being in school, I have had plenty of hours to sit, play, and yell at my crazy brothers. I love them so bad it hurts! I love their mischievous smiles. I love coffee dates with them, and snuggling with them during movies.

 

And then there is my sister........ Oh she makes my life! I have had so many late nights with her, so many car rides blasting music and singing at the top of our lungs, and cried so many tears into her shoulder.

Through the craziness of a divorce, a move, and going back to school my mom has somehow managed to stay the beautiful, crazy woman she is and I will be honored if I become half the woman she is. She has taught me so much this year!

Finally I must just say that Iowa has been the place where I fell in love with music. My teacher, Dr. Halgedahl, the violin professor at UNI has infected me with his love for violin and music. Every trip to his room for a lesson, I learn so much about the world of music, how it can actually touch people. Under his teaching, I have had a chance to play pieces I only dreamed of playing!

I miss the mountains a lot, and I miss my friends in Colorado something terrible! But I finally feel like Iowa is home and I am so thankful that God brought us here. I have learned so much here! I wouldn't trade it in for ANYTHING! Thank you everyone who has touched my life. I could write a book about all the things I have learned from you.

Coffe Shops, Rain, and Friends

One of my most favorite places in the world, (or at least in Cedar Falls that is) is the cute, vintage, hipster coffee shop downtown called The Cup of Joe's. When you walk in, you are greeted all at once by walls lined with brillian art, smells of coffee, and the gentle roar of laughter and talking. Professors, artisits, musicians, high school and college students, and even old couples sit amongst the tables. It is absolutely wonderful!

I love ordering my favorite, a black chai, and sitting for hours talking with friends. Cup of Joe's holds some of my favorite memories! It is a place that you simply cannot enter and leave without feeling inspired.

Last night I hung out at The Cup with two of my friends for a while as we caught up on each other's lives. I was so encouraged hearing their dreams and what God was doing in their lives. One of them shared her excitement in graduating from college soon and how God had somehow let everything come into place.

After two hours of that I left and went driving around town with another friend in the rain. For a while we just sat in her car by her house and watched as the lightning flashed overhead and the rain poured down on the car's windsheild. It was beautiful! Ever since I can remember I have loved rainstorms! There is something wonderful about the sweet smell of rain, the way lightning lights up the sky, and the roar of thunder. Rainstorms, I think, are God's way of pouring out His love.

When my friend and I were too tired to talk anymore, I left her house and crawled into bed with a full heart. Even though it was twenty degrees outside, I opened my window so I wouldn't miss a moment of the rainstorm outside. Then, piled under blankets to keep warm, I feel asleep to the sound of rain and my stereo playing Bon Iver.

Last night was just one of those nights I was really thankful to be alive.

 

Here are some of the many whimsical, beautiful songs of Bon Iver. If you have not experienced their work yet, you're in for a treat.

A Trip to Colorado

I woke up to the dark and cold and glanced at the clock. 5:30
The voice that had awoken me continued..

"Abi, get up!."

It was my mother, calling from downtstairs. I could hear the urgency and determination in her voice.

"I want to be on the road in thirty minutes."

I groaned. This day ended our wonderful trip to the glorious mountains of Colorado. It was time to head back home. Iowa.

Our trip to Colorado was a sudden change of plans over break. The Saturday before Christmas I found out my great grandma died, and feeling a sudden desperation to go to her funeral to have closure and express my support, I begged my mom to somehow let me go. Four days later with the help of some very generous grandparents and family, I found myself in our tiny van loaded with luggage and my dear family, speeding towards those beautiful mountains. My mountains.
After passing through miles and miles of flat Iowa and Nebraska, my heart jumped at the sight of rolling hills as we entered Colorado. I wanted to get out of the car right then and dance and jump on those beautiful hills! I felt like I was coming home after a long battle.

The next few days flew by. My great grandmother's funeral was beautiful. Held in the church I grew up in, tons of people gathered to share memories and tears and hugs. I sat next to my grandpa, my head resting on his shoulder and soaked it all in. All the stories and memories I listened to intently, seeing the strong, beautiful woman my great grandmother was. I discovered from the many narratives that she had a deep love for people, a wonderous laugh and joy despite the hard times she faced, and a diligent heart for prayer. Hearing about her life left me inspired!

Since we had made the great trip of thirteen hours and thousands of miles, my family decided to stay for a week in our old hometown and see some people. It was wonderful catching up over coffee, sharing favorite music while painting, climbing mountains, and laughing and eating delicious food. It had been a long time since I had last seen these people, and I loved seeing how they had all changed, yet stayed still much the same.

On Sunday my family visited our old church that we had started going to about four years before we moved to Iowa. I just worshipped and prayed and cried for about two hours with my dear church family, and I left the old brick building feeling renewed and refreshed. Before coming to Colorado I did not notice how depressed I had become, but upon seeing those mountains and being with the people most dear to my heart, the depression seemed to melt away.

I realized that in Iowa I had forgotten who I was and why we even moved in the first place. I had settled into the mediocre life so many around me were living, and left behind the passion and simple trust I once had possesed.

I know that God had brought me to Colorado in perfect time, to remind me of His love and His goodness, and to remind me of His plans.

And so, while packing up my clothes at five thirty on wednesday morning, and running through all the beautiful memories of the past few days, I found myself thanking Him for bringing us out to Colorado, even if it was for a funeral. My heart still felt so heavy at the thought of leaving dear Colorado and all the wonderful people, but I knew that I was going back to Iowa not alone but with the Spirit of God with me, and that He was working all things together for my good.

Church in a Car

Tonight I hung out for two wonderful hours with my bestie! What began as a quick trip to the local grocery store to pick up a secret Santa gift, turned into two hours of driving around town, eating chocolate, looking at Christmas lights, and talking.

It was wonderful!

My friend lives only about two blocks away from my house, and our friendship is such that when my shower refuses to be anything but lukewarm on a day when it's eighteen degrees outside (such as this morning), I drive over to her house for a hot shower. She comes over so much that she no longer needs to knock, but simply types in the code for our door and comes into my room. Oh yes she is the best!

But back to tonight....

While eating chocolate and driving around town admiring lovely Christmas lights and dancing to the radio, my friend and I just talked about nothing and everything. We covered everything from boys, the toughest coaches, Jamaica, dreams, school, college, Jesus life, and the very deep question, "Is anything for certain." (That made for quite the conversation.)

And in these two hours, I felt the closest to God I have felt in a long time! The whole car seemed full of life and excitement. The whole time talking and laughing I was doing the thing I love, what I felt like I was made for. And there was no other place in the whole world I would rather have been.

I think tonight I got a taste of what the disciples experienced when walking with Jesus all day. I'm sure sitting next to Him by a campfire at night listening to Him tell them how much He loved them, or watching Him heal lepers, or hearing Him pray, they just knew this was what they were made for, to sit in God's presence.

I can get so bogged down by all the ideals and rituals of Christianity.

I think that as the church we are missing out big time! We go to a building every Sunday, maybe even every Wednesday and read the Bible and talk about theology, and then we leave and carry on with our normal lives and all the while we never actually hang out with Jesus. We get filled up on words, but we never experience His crazy love! Pretty soon we find ourselves burnt out and exhausted because we are trying to keep up a religion. But that kind of life is like getting married and only learning all the facts about marriage. Who does that? When people get married they don't just talk about it, they experience each other and enjoy being loved!

I'm pretty sure if the church got together and hung out like my friend and I did and just talked about what God was doing in their lives and ate and danced and basked in God's love for hours, the world would be changed! Because the church wouldn't just be made up of words, but real encounters and love stories about Jesus.

And I think the world would watch in curiosity and excitement at the wonder of it all. Because the world isn't looking for another list of dos and don'ts, or morality, or rules, or even words. They are hungry and longing for love. Not just the word love, or a story about love, but they are longing for a real encounter with Love.

I think it's time we bring them the real deal.

He Cries for You

I can't sleep tonight. My heart hurts so bad for a friend who has been wounded by so many people. I feel powerless to do anything to stop their pain and show them how beautiful and loved they are.

So I've been on my knees, crying out desperately that God would somehow intervene. That He would come and speak or do anything to let this person know that He really loves them.

And as I was praying, my heart hurting, crying for my friend I suddenly got a picture. I could see Jesus weeping. He was crying and I heard Him whisper, "I know that your heart breaks for him, but my heart breaks even ten times worse. I know you cry for him, but my tears are an ocean, because I love him so much!"

Oh if only you saw what Jesus sees when I looks at you! He sees His son in whom He delights. He sees your pain, all the memories. He sees your fear to let anyone in. He sees your walls. And He says, "I am so in love with you!"

When He was dying on the cross, He was thinking of you. Your name is written on His heart. His love is in front, before, and around you. However, the enemy hates you. He hates all the sons and daughters, all the children who no longer are orphans but know that they are loved. He hates you with a burning passion. He has pulled a dark mist over your eyes and whispered lies into your ears.

"You are messed up."
"You don't deserve His love."
"You have no future."
"Everyone hates you and sees all your faults."
"You are weak."

He cries out day and night accusing you, crushing you with his words.

But ever since you were born, even before you entered the world, the Lord has been singing His love song over you.

He sings "You are mine. I love you. I am pleased with you. You are my beloved son. Come rest in my arms and sit in my peace. I know every part of you because I made you and I am delighted in my creation. I will protect you. I will hold your heart."

Listen to His song! Stop listening to the lies! You are the Father's! His heart is breaking for you! He loves you so much!

Seeing the Pieces

The last few months have been a mess to say the least. Well my life is a mess, I won't deny that. But these last four months have been even more of a mess. I have been sick for a while now and I still am not sure why. And with this sickness has come waves of depression lasting sometimes for days. So you might think I am just going to complain in this post and throw myself a pity party, and sad to say I'll  admit I've thrown several, but I won't waste your time with complaints, because today is Thanksgiving.

Now a few days a ago, maybe even a few hours ago if asked I probably would have told you this was going to be the worst Thanksgiving ever.

But God had other plans....

Don't you love that sentence? It sends shivers down my spine!.... God has other plans.

So I better start at the beginning of this story..

I think this story starts the spring of my eighth grade year, the spring I found out my parents were getting a divorce. There was so much pain and doubt that I faced those first few months after hearing my mom tell me about the divorce. I suddenly felt stripped of everything I had faith in, and I found myself vulnerable and insecure. But also in those few months I began to see God as Abba Father. The pain drove me straight into the depths of His heart. I think that was when I really started falling in love with Him. There were days when I was sitting in His arms that I thought, "Maybe the pain is finally over."

But I live in a fallen world with broken people, and the pain was not over.

The pain jabbed on the Holidays spent with one parent or the other but no longer both. It cut into my heart when I first found out that I was going to have a step-mom and step-sisters. It tugged so hard when we had to move to Iowa to be closer to family.

No the pain was definitely not gone, and it still isn't. But at every stab, I could feel God pulling me in closer and closer into His deep love.

I think the deepest pain happened about a week ago.

Being sick and depressed and overwhelmed with school and people, I looked at the upcoming trip to Texas over thanksgiving with dread. We had planned to spend the holiday with my dad and his family. But my life already felt like a mess and I did not want to throw another hurricane of emotion and pain into the mix. I was sick of feeling depressed, sick of my life being a mess and seeming so out of my control. After much thought and prayer I decided I would avoid the pain and simply not go down.

But against my will, on Sunday I found myself in my Dad's car heading for Texas. That whole day I was so mad at God and I was determined to have a terrible time. I rode down with no expectations what so ever.

Yet some how, something changed this week. Maybe it was the short conversations with my Dad about his bible study with men who loved motorcycles. Maybe it happened when sitting downtown Denton, Texas sipping chai and laughing so hard with my dad and sister. Maybe something connected while riding behind my dad on his motorcycle through a tunnel of autumn trees. I don't know when or how it happened, but my heart slowly got changed.

Before on past visits to Texas I held so much hope and desperation to please my dad and get him to see me; suddenly this week there was just a rest. I felt like I could just be who I was and let him come to me.

And yet only a few hours ago I found myself still terribly depressed because I realized I would have to go home tomorrow without a father and the same cycle of pain that I had been trying to avoid would still go on.

And in the last few hours nothing has really changed. I still live in Iowa and my dad still lives in Texas. I still for most of the year do not get to see my dad, and I still have no idea how this story is going to end. But one thing has changed.

I'm starting to see the pieces of my life being stitched into a beautiful story. I'm starting to the color in this valley of shadows. And right now I am so thankful! I am so thankful for His redeeming love and His goodness! I know that there is so much pain still ahead but I know that He is working it all together!

A Beautiful Mess

 Friday morning I woke to still, deep darkness. I gradually recognized the sound of my alarm. It took me a moment to remember what day it was....Friday. No school! I rubbed my eyes hard and slapped my face a few times. Then slowly stepped out of the warmth of my covers into the frigid cold. In the next few minutes I managed to get some slippers, a hat, a coat, my Bible, and keys. Soon I found myself driving down the street toward the church for early morning worship. On the way I picked up my friend, who wore the same sleepy expression I had, and both of us silently shuffled into the church, up the stairs into the chapel. The sound of worship music greeted us from the door. I stood in the room for a while, my mind wandering all over the place: past conversations, past mistakes, people in the room. I was terribly distracted. My heart was throbbing.

Finally after about twenty minutes of fighting my mind into trying to worship, I decided to leave the music and people and sit in the hall just outside. I could still faintly hear the music, but it was wonderful to be alone. Then only after one moment of stillness, I began pouring out everything to God. I started pleading with Him for people, confessing all my bitterness and anger, telling Him all my fears about the next few days, all my longings and desires. About an hour later I could tell the music inside the chapel had stopped. My heart still hurt, but I slowly got to my feet and headed for the door. With a sigh I whispered, "Lord, I'm a mess!"

Just as I was about to open the door I heard Him whisper back. "Abi, you're a beautiful mess."

Growing up in a Christian home, I find myself forgetting the whole beauty of the gospel. You see, the gospel is this beautiful story about you and me so desperate and broken, needing God's love but looking for it in all the wrong places, and Jesus coming from heaven, living life with us, loving us, healing us, and dying to set us free from the chains of guilt and shame, and filling us with His joy and love.

But somehow by growing up in the church, I totally missed this beautiful story. Ever since I was little I heard all the rules and stories. I learned from adults who talked about God's unconditional love, but whose actions showed that for me to be considered a "good Christian" I better behave and try really hard not to sin.

In a letter to the churches, James encourages the Christians to "confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. " (James 5:16) However, often times church is the last place that I want to confess my sins. I wonder if many of you can relate. I think as the American church we have become so focused on trying to look good and look godly. I have many Christian friends who come from amazing homes who have confided in me their struggles with drugs, pornography, sex, and depression. I know I have struggled with some of these things too; however, for some reason church is the last place we think of sharing about these problems.

Yet, Jesus did not come for the healthy, he came for the sick. And everyone is sick, whether they would like to admit it or not. Just because I might not be addicted to drugs doesn't mean I need Jesus any less than one of my friends. It doesn't matter what your sin is. Jesus came for all of it. He already knows that we are broken. He didn't come to earth to give us a set of rules to live by and put those rules on other people. He came to give us hope and show us that he can bring beauty to our messy, wrecked lives.

No matter how hard I try I still am a mess. I can try really hard not to sin, but my efforts are pointless. I am sick of believing the lie that as a Christian I'm supposed to have my life all together.

Paul's letter to the Corinthians is one of my favorites!

My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.

Most gladly therefore, I will rather boast about my weakness

so the power of Christ may dwell in me.

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Every morning I can wake up knowing I am a beautiful mess, and God still is working on me. Every day I get the chance to cry, laugh, dance, fight, and love with God walking right by my side learning more about his character and looking forward to that day when I finally get to meet him face to face. That day will be glorious when this struggle with sin and brokenness is finally over...

 

........but for now I just get to be a beautiful mess!